Tongue-in-cheek writing advice for the submissive scribe in you.
A note about this site
We've all been naughty a time or two with our writing. I've done it and, chances are, you've done it. Maybe you split an infinitive (yes, I know that's not as frowned upon as it used to be), used a comma splice, misused an apostrophe, employed excessive quotation marks, or inappropriately head-hopped from one character to another.
As writers, every now and then we need to whip ourselves back into shape. After all, it's not a sin to revisit Strunk & White or the Chicago Manual of Style (or whichever style guide you prefer) on occasion. In fact, I'd advise it.
The Writer's Dominatrix is intended as a tongue-in-cheek site. At times the posts will be sarcastic and blunt, but they're written with a purpose and an underlying sense of (warped) humor.
Until next time, behave yourselves – or else.
You've been naughty, scribes. Prepare for your punishment!
Unnecessary quotation marks.
The list goes on and on, but one thing these items have in common is that these errors cause writers anguish and, what's more, prevent your work (and mine) from getting accepted, sold and published. It's time to pull our heads out of our collective derrières and get into gear. It's time to toss out the lame excuses and bone up on things that keep us from writing more, selling more, publishing more. If we aren't doing any of the latter, then it's OUR fault and no one else's!
While you're here, you'll need to check your excuses and whining at the door. Forget bitching about the so-called luck of other writers. It's not luck that got them their first book contract—it was good timing and know-how. Stop soothing your ego with comforting little lies you know aren't true. Drop the straw man arguments. Eradicate Ad Hominem attacks. Pull yourself up by your boot straps and realize it's YOU, not someone else, who is responsible for your writing career (or lack thereof).
As the Writer's Dominatrix, I'm here to whip words – and writers – into shape. Including myself, I might add! I've been a bad girl on many an occasion, and I expect to fall off the wagon countless times now—and in the future! Believe me, babies, I'm harder on myself than all of you. Now that's saying something. Who better to wield the crop of punishment than one who has suffered at the hand of it herself? I've been a naughty scribe, and I know YOU have been, too! The question is: what do we do about these transgressions? *arches eyebrow and taps foot*
I won't ask you to do anything I won't do myself. What I'm asking is that you push yourself, just as I will push myself, into becoming a better writer. How do we do that? By cutting through all the rubbish and consciously working to improve our scribe-selves with blood, sweat, tears (of joy or sorrow) and much gnashing of teeth. And, if you're like me, a white chocolate mocha on the side.
Ask yourself this question: are you the best writer you can be at this moment? Are you really? If you're already doing a good job, wouldn't you prefer to do a better job? There's always room for improvement. There are NO perfect writers, period. Your mission is to be the BEST writer YOU can be. Your competition is yourself, and nobody else.
Here's the way things work around here: I'll post blogs about issues that hamstring writers and keep them from writing and producing their best. You'll read those posts, and either you'll like them or you won't. Sometimes you'll agree with me, and sometimes you won't. Some of you may never agree with my take on things, and that's fine. I'm still going to post either way. You can't please everyone, and that's not why I started this blog in the first place. If I can push, impress, cajole, or influence any blog visitor into becoming a better writer, then my goal is complete. If I can make one person pause and reflect – or perhaps have a "Eureka!" moment – then I've done my job.
On occasion, I'll use the velvet glove approach. Other times, I'll get out the sledgehammer to make my point. I prefer the velvet glove approach (as well as willing submission) but, as we all know, subtlety is lost on many people. On this blog, the end justifies the means. The end is for you (and me) to improve and shine as writers. The means . . . well, it depends on how unruly and stubborn the audience might be.
Some days you'll get an unapologetic, take-no-prisoners approach. Other days I'll dole out the Oprah Winfrey approach. You just never know! Don't take my Oprah-like days as signs of weakness, however. I have Venus in Scorpio and won't hesitate to sting if provoked. In the end, I'm looking to do some motivational butt-kicking—and that includes my own cheeks, along with yours! By the way, did you notice the unintended pun in that last sentence? *cackles*
Another thing: don't be an uptight priss-pot. If occasional curse words offend you, then this might not be the place for you. Because there are occasions where I do shat a figurative brick when I spy a misplaced apostrophe. This blog isn't for wimps, so excuse yourself now. I want readers who have backbones of steel, not linguine.
I'm an outspoken, passionate woman. You can expect outspoken, unapologetic posts on many topics from me. Some of them will make you wince. Some of them will piss you off. Some of them will make sense to you. Others won't. But I will speak my truth, and sometimes that truth isn't pretty. This blog isn't a democracy. You may disagree with anything I say, but I always get the final word – right or wrong. I have the right to express myself, and you have the right to counter with your own expression. Sometimes you'll convince me, sometimes you won't.
I can't promise your visit here won't hurt on occasion. Especially if you see yourself in one of my diatribes about writing-related errata. One week I'll deliver a post on how improperly used homonyms make me go from zero to LIVID in .01 seconds; the next you'll hear me rant about selfish, non-writing beings who scheme and plot to steal every moment of your writing time by posing as well-meaning neighbors, friends, or family members. "Will you babysit for me – just this once?" HELL to the no! I raised my kids. Now I'm raising BOOKS!
Enough of all that rot. Let's get down to business. E-mail me any subjects you want to address that have to do with writing and/or the writing life. We'll tackle the raw and sometimes not-so-pretty side of motivation, creativity, productivity, time management, interruptions, non-writer b.s., grammar, syntax, style, voice, format, et al. All the pain-in-the-arse stuff writers deal with on a daily basis.
Oh yes – one more thing: for those of you who either don't like my approach or want to one-up me to make yourselves feel better, don't let the door hit you in the bung on the way out. This is my show here. Not yours. Got it? Good. My blog, my opinions, MY way. I'm a benevolent dictator, as a former professor of mine used to say. Don't mistake niceties on here for weakness. I DO scratch and claw. If you beg hard enough.
Now, if I haven't scared you off (and if I have, I'm sorely disappointed in you), then I welcome you, Dear Lovely, to my blog. I look forward to a fruitful and productive time with you. And I promise not to bite – too much.
Until next time, plant your derrière in whatever chaise longue, chair, or bean bag, you have available and write till it hurts! Remember: no pain, no gain.